Undoing Lent

I’m not giving up anything for Lent; not chocolate, not pop, not Facebook.  Neither am I knocking those people who find denying themselves to be a worthwhile spiritual discipline.  Maybe it really is just an excuse to indulge myself, but I have my own reasons for not going along with the rest of the crowd.

I don’t believe it’s because I simply want to cave in to every temptation.  The greater danger for me, I think, is not in enjoying some of life’s little pleasures, but in the illusion of control that comes from the denial.  My temptation would be to say, “Look, God, at what a good job I have done this Lent.  Surely I deserve some kind of reward for my efforts.” Or maybe something like “I have done this thing (read my bible, spent time in prayer, attended worship, fasted, etc.) therefore I will grow closer to you, Lord.”

My temptation is to “do” rather than let God do, because I want to be in control of my life.  I want to know what I’m doing.  I want to know where I am going, how I am going to get there and when.  I want to know why and for how long. 

My temptation is to make Lent about me.

The challenge, then, for me is to “undo” Lent.  Henri J. M. Nouwen’s writing seems to speak what I can’t. 

                Dear God, I so much want to be in control.

                I want to be the master of my own destiny.

                Still I know that you are saying:

                “Let me take you by the hand and lead you.

                Accept my love

                and trust that where I will bring you,

                the deepest desires of your heart will be fulfilled.”

                Lord, open my hands to receive your gift of love.

   Amen.

   (from “With Open Hands”)